#25 - Relationships Before Expectations: Building Trust in Early Years
Before asking a child to share, follow instructions or join an activity, we need to consider whether they feel safe, connected and understood. Children need time to trust the adults caring for them and learn that their needs will be noticed and met.
RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE EXPECTATIONS
Early years settings place many expectations on children from the moment they arrive. They may be asked to put away their belongings, follow unfamiliar routines, share resources or join a group. Prioritising relationships does not mean removing expectations or boundaries. Boundaries help children feel safe. However, children are more likely to respond once they trust that the adults around them are consistent, caring and there to protect them.
SEEING THE SETTING THROUGH A CHILD'S EYES
A new room, unfamiliar practitioners and different routines can feel overwhelming. Even children returning after a long break may need time to settle again. They may be wondering: Who are these people? Am I safe here? Do they understand me? Will my grown-ups come back? These questions may feel even bigger for children who are developing their communication skills or have English as an additional language. Children often need to experience the same safe pattern repeatedly before they can trust what will happen.
BUILDING TRUST IN SMALL, PREDICTABLE MOMENTS
Relationships develop through everyday interactions: greeting a child by name, sitting beside them, joining their play and noticing what interests them. These moments may not appear on the timetable, but they are an essential part of early years practice. When adults respond consistently, children learn that they can rely on the people caring for them.
RESPONDING TO CHILDREN'S EMOTIONS Settling in can be stressful.
Children may cry, become angry, withdraw, appear tired or feel overwhelmed. Rather than telling a child not to cry, practitioners can acknowledge what they are communicating. Letting children know that we can see they are sad, understand that they miss their family and are there to help reassures them that their feelings matter. Comforting a child does not prevent independence. It creates the security from which independence can grow.
REPLACE JUDGEMENT WITH CURIOSITY
It can be tempting to think that a child should have settled after a certain number of weeks. A more helpful question is:
What are we still learning about one another?
A child who plays alone may not yet feel secure enough to join others.
A child who wants to be held or stay close may still be developing the trust they need before exploring independently.
Instead of asking how to stop a behaviour, ask what the child may need. Do they understand the routine? Do they feel comfortable enough to participate? Are they confident that an adult will be there when they need help?
PROTECTING THE SETTLING-IN PERIOD
The first few weeks should give children and practitioners time to get to know one another. This may mean offering a gentler timetable, allowing more free play and prioritising direct interaction over photographs, planned activities or the full learning routine. Relationships do not develop to a fixed deadline. Some children settle quickly, while others need six to eight weeks or longer before their personalities fully emerge. Patience and consistency matter.
CREATING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
When children find it difficult to meet an expectation, the answer is not always to change the child. Consider whether the environment, routine and adult interactions make the expected behaviour possible. If children are expected to be independent, can they reach what they need? If they are expected to share, have they developed the confidence and emotional skills required? Expectations should reflect each child's age, developmental stage, individual needs and current level of security.
BUILDING THE FOUNDATIONS FOR LEARNING
Children are unlikely to participate, explore, build friendships or engage fully in learning until they feel safe and secure. The settling-in period is not separate from learning. It creates the foundation that makes future learning possible. By focusing first on relationships, practitioners create an environment where children feel that they belong and where expectations can be introduced through trust rather than pressure.
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